Search me and know me
I've been quiet.
Numb?
I'm not sure.
I miss the person I used to be. Someone who felt, thought, cared. Someone who sought answers, who listened.
I miss sitting still, with someone across the table pouring out their heart. I miss weeping with them, praying with them, and finding Christ with them.
I miss writing down my questions, carrying my heart to the Lord and hearing his still small voice. I miss having questions.
Now the stillness is filled with please let him sleep. let the tooth finally come out. and things that don't seem to ache in the same way. I do pray that he knows the Lord and finds himself at the cross. I still pray big prayers and have bigger things than ever to pray for.
But they can feel a little far away, and I'm not used to that.
I still have huge conversations with little hearts. I talk to them about their creator who makes no mistakes. I pray with them when they ask why God made them this way and why he couldn't just fix it. I'm preaching the gospel in the darkness.
But I think I feel alone in it. Not that people around me aren't doing it; just that I'm not doing it with them.
I still battle my sin. My sin is even more real to me than ever, and I am fighting every day to bend a knee to the King.
But it's in little moments like buckling my son into his car seat. Moments that no one really enters into with me. They're quiet and unseen.
It's hard for me to tell if this is just normal. Motherhood seems to fragment adult conversation. Fragments my time, my attention, my thought process.
My dad has been gone now almost four years. I'm not as raw. I'm not wrestling with salvation and the Lord's character like I once was. It comes up, of course, regularly. It's just quieter than it once was.
Tell me, Father, am I growing? am I sliding backwards? Search me and know me. I don't know myself. I know that others will say it's normal. Something about a tree in winter. But they don't see my heart like you do. I am a sinner, not just now but always. It's who I am. Search me and know me. Create in me a clean heart. And lead me in the way of the everlasting.
Numb?
I'm not sure.
I miss the person I used to be. Someone who felt, thought, cared. Someone who sought answers, who listened.
I miss sitting still, with someone across the table pouring out their heart. I miss weeping with them, praying with them, and finding Christ with them.
I miss writing down my questions, carrying my heart to the Lord and hearing his still small voice. I miss having questions.
Now the stillness is filled with please let him sleep. let the tooth finally come out. and things that don't seem to ache in the same way. I do pray that he knows the Lord and finds himself at the cross. I still pray big prayers and have bigger things than ever to pray for.
But they can feel a little far away, and I'm not used to that.
I still have huge conversations with little hearts. I talk to them about their creator who makes no mistakes. I pray with them when they ask why God made them this way and why he couldn't just fix it. I'm preaching the gospel in the darkness.
But I think I feel alone in it. Not that people around me aren't doing it; just that I'm not doing it with them.
I still battle my sin. My sin is even more real to me than ever, and I am fighting every day to bend a knee to the King.
But it's in little moments like buckling my son into his car seat. Moments that no one really enters into with me. They're quiet and unseen.
It's hard for me to tell if this is just normal. Motherhood seems to fragment adult conversation. Fragments my time, my attention, my thought process.
My dad has been gone now almost four years. I'm not as raw. I'm not wrestling with salvation and the Lord's character like I once was. It comes up, of course, regularly. It's just quieter than it once was.
Tell me, Father, am I growing? am I sliding backwards? Search me and know me. I don't know myself. I know that others will say it's normal. Something about a tree in winter. But they don't see my heart like you do. I am a sinner, not just now but always. It's who I am. Search me and know me. Create in me a clean heart. And lead me in the way of the everlasting.
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