How long, O Lord?

Here I sit in the corner of a quiet room.  The clock ticking.

Where are you, Lord?

My gut aches.  Head pounds.

Are you there? Are you listening?

Tick. Tock.

I'd make it happen. I'd knock some heads together, I'd wake people up, I'd storm in and throw tables over, make them hear me... if I were you, I'd do it.

Tick.

Don't you care? Doesn't your heart break?

Tock.

I hate seeing him entangled in sin.  I hate seeing him walk straight into danger, pursuing the very thing that will kill him. It's tearing me apart. 

Don't you want to protect him?  Don't you hate seeing him in danger?  Where are you?

I'd keep him away.  I'd make sure he was safe.  I'd destroy anything that threatens him...if I were you, I'd protect him.

I fell in love with your heart, 
a heart that protects your beloved, 
a heart that breaks over sin, 
a heart that listens,

Why does it feel like that is my heart?
And not yours...

Suddenly it is clear: my questions are not resolved.  Mostly I rejoice in the Lord.  But every so often it crashes through my mind that he feels so far away, so inactive.

But I have been through this before.  I've seen my own pride in thinking that I could love them more than he does.  He's shown me that my love is just a drop in the mighty river of his. And today I have to choose to believe it. I choose to believe.  The same choice day after day. So, once again, for what feels like the hundredth time, I pull out my Bible and let the Lord tell me who he is.

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
    How long will you hide your face from me?

How long must I take counsel in my soul
    and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?

Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
    light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death, 

lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,”
    lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.

But I have trusted in your steadfast love;
    my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.

I will sing to the Lord,
    because he has dealt bountifully with me."

                           - Psalm 13