how deep the Father's love

Tonight I sang How Deep the Father's Love. It brought back memories that my heart couldn't handle; memories of when I first fell in love with that hymn.  I was in my first year at Biola and reeling from a new awareness of my father's absence. I fell deeply into my heavenly father's love despite my own undeserving. Thinking back, I began to cry. Just a little. 

I've been, in small ways, mourning the loss of my dad, the loss of relationship.  I haven't spoken with him in 7 months, and I don't feel like I can bear to now. I feel hurt and hopeless, and I am struggling to let the gospel transform me here. 

I keep letting small pieces of the nasty truth, my angry history, slip out and shock those who hear. I can't seem to hold it in! I need to see the shock on their faces. Need to know my hurt isn't unfounded. Need to see my loss reflected back at me. 

I don't feel sad all the time. I don't think about it that often. But in quiet moments, it sneaks up on me and catches the breath in my throat.

I long to give this to God and wait for his healing, but I can't quite seem to open my hands to him. I hold on to this hurt because it's too painful to let go. It's breaking a bone to mend it. I crawl away to nurse my wounds and won't let the healer approach me. I weep and gnash my teeth at the one who can make me whole. 

"How can you keep dragging me through this? Don't you see my pain? I am weary!" I know that he is doing it for my good--my best--but isn't this enough? Can't I rest now? So, I don't let him in.  Surrender is too much. If I just hang onto it, I can survive. 

I know that down the road of surrender, forgiveness lies. That feels like a valley of shadow that I will not come out of. To forgive would be my end. The death of me. 

But he didn't die so that I can survive. He died that I might die with him. To put to death my selfish love. 

And even more, he died to raise me with him, to give me life abundant. Fullness of joy. And if I can just offer him my breaking heart, I can receive all.  In midst of my weariness, he calls me to the cross and to give what I can't bear to let go. And in that giving up, I find life.